Dear Selection Committee,
It is clear from your responses to my previous application that you were not impressed, and that more than likely we will not be receiving the award for Worst Parents of the Year… at least not this year. Perhaps we chose the wrong example to submit, or maybe the competition is just too stiff. It is interesting to learn how many choice competitors there are in this contest.
Despite the fact that our original application was merely an attempt at a humorous description of our travel experiences, we have learned that in order to compete next year, we must include a more in depth explanation of the events. Perhaps we should have focused more on how we vocally griped aloud, exclaiming, “Nolan, why don’t you just go to sleep?!,” merely minutes before the vomiting potentially occurred. Or perhaps we should use another example all together.
Like last week’s family potluck at Mylie’s preschool. Because the snow in December had caused the Family Holiday Party to be canceled, parents were instead invited to come to a potluck during the first week back to school, and stay with the kids while a Fire Fighter came with a real life Fire Truck for the kids to explore. I, however, did not stay to experience this unforgettable day at preschool. Why, you ask? Did I have a critical and previously scheduled appointment which I could not reschedule? No. I had a play date with Nolan’s buddies and their moms. They are a great bunch of women and I like hanging out with them, so I decided to blow off the family day at preschool to do so. I was only feeling a little guilty about this until we were driving to preschool that morning and Mylie suddenly remembered that Miss Ackerman had told them that all the parents were staying. When I said I probably wouldn’t be staying, she got whiny and asked why, and tried to tell me that “Miss Ackerman said ALL the parents are coming!” Ugh. But I didn’t stay. I just didn’t want to. And of course, it was probably the most exciting day of preschool to date, based on Mylie’s in depth explanations afterward. Do you think that example would work for next year?
Regardless of which of the numerous examples we choose to submit next year, we do believe we have the secret to winning. Yes, instead of submitting our applications to your committee, we have decided to forward all future applications directly to our children. By submitting them in this manner, we are most definitely guaranteed a win, as we are assured that no matter what we do, our children will eventually pick us as Worst Parents of the Year at some point during their childhoods. And make no mistake, after winning such a lucrative award, we absolutely intend on continuing to compete in all the Worst Parent categories, included but not limited to: Worst Parents of the Decade, Worst Parents of the Century, Worst Parents in the World, Worst Parents in the Galaxy, and of course the ultimate – Worst Parents in the Universe. We are confident our application will not be overlooked by the children’s committee as it has been by yours. We do thank you for your time, and look forward to next year.
Sincerely,
The Winters Parents
Hmmm, interesting. I will pass on my own Worst Parent Award after Mylie tells you she hates you and does not love you. That will promptly be followed by, “You are not a good mother.” If she’s already done this, I’ll wrap up my trophy and send it to you:)
Rest assured you are a wonderful mom. When they have their own children they will call and apologize for ever being a kid. I apologize to my own mother regularly. Besides just give them ice cream for supper and you’ll suddenly be the most amazing parents in the world. It works. Trust me.