I have to say, this blog has been percolating in my head for quite some time. If I talk to you on a semi-regular basis, you may have heard my theories and feelings espoused on more than one occasion. I have, however, neglected to post something heretofore, as this is an incredibly touchy topic that runs the risk of having me labeled as a bad mom, a crazy mom, a judgmental mom, or all of the above. So, let’s just suffice it to say that these are my beliefs as a parent, and I pass no judgment on others who choose to parent differently. I would hope that you afford me the same courtesy. As always, comments and discussion are highly encouraged.
I remember shortly after Mylie was born, and I had to go grocery shopping for the first time by myself. It was summer, and it was hot, and I was in a quandary. What do I do after I have loaded my kid and my groceries in the car? Do I leave the door open while I go put the cart back so she doesn’t smother in the heat during the 45 seconds it will take me to get to the cart carrel and back? Or do I leave the door open, and risk having a stranger grab her from my car in the 45 seconds it will take me to get there and back?
I ended up leaving the door open and keeping my eyes glued to her the whole time (because my x-ray death stare was sure to deter any would-be kidnappers), nearly running the cart into a couple parked cars in the process. After that harrowing experience, I learned that finding a parking spot right next to the cart carrel was more important than getting a spot close to the store. I would occasionally circle for minutes until I could find one that fit my parameters.
Boy, have I come a long way since then.
Flash forward about three years. I am having a horrible day. While dragging my toddler and newborn out of Costco on one very rainy day, and trying to get them into their car seats, I set my purse on top of my car, and proceed to drive off with it there. I don’t realize it until it’s too late, of course. Through process of elimination I figure out where I think it fell off (a crazy busy street) and drive by a few times, but don’t see it, and can’t just stop with the kids in the car to search. I decide to head to my UPS Store because we get our mail there, and that is the address on my license. I figure if anyone picked it up, they might try to return it there.
Because it’s still pouring down rain when I arrive, and I’m already very stressed out, I leave my kids in the car while I run in just to ask if they’ve had my purse turned in. I’ve parked right in front of the glass windows and can see my car the whole 3.5 minutes I’m in the store. I even see the woman that stops in front of my car. When I return, she curtly informs me, “Is this your car? You know, they arrest people for that.” I try to keep my cool while I explain, “I just had to run in for a second.” She gives me a glare that says, “Well, a second is all it takes, missy!”
And there’s the rub.
You see, because, it doesn’t just take a second. Not usually. In fact, very rarely. Not in a circumstance like that, in a busy parking lot, next to Safeway, up front by the sidewalk where lots of people are walking by and obviously aware (like that most helpful woman) of what’s happening around them. In fact, her watching out for me proves my point that my children were perfectly safe!
But I’m not just talking about kids in cars here. No, my soapbox extends much further than that. As my children grow older, I am continually frustrated more and more by what I am not able to let them do. I can’t let my four-year old ride her bike on the sidewalk outside our house by herself (without people coming to my doorstep, anyway), and I can’t let her walk behind me in Target without people telling me that there are dangerous people about who might snatch her if she’s not in my line of sight (true story). And the thing that really gets my goat is that I am forced to make my parenting decisions not on what I believe is the best thing for my family, but on what other people think I should be doing. Or more accurately, on what will or will not cause others to turn me in to the authorities.
So, being the incredibly logical thinker that I am, I decided to do some research on what my gut was telling me. And you know what? It turns out that the world is just as safe as I thought. In fact, it’s safer than it was 30 years ago! My go-to girl on this topic is Lenore Skenazy, who you may remember as the “crazy subway mom” from 2008. With her help, I’ve done my research and looked at the statistics that we’re dealing with here. As she explains on her blog,
“Had the world really become so much more dangerous in just one generation?Yes — in most people’s estimation. But no — not according to the evidence. Over at the think tank STATS.org, where they examine the way the media use statistics, researchers have found that the number of kids getting abducted by strangers actually holds very steady over the years. In 2006, that number was 115, and 40% of them were killed.
“Any kid killed is a horrible tragedy. It makes my stomach plunge to even think about it. But when the numbers are about 50 kids in a country of 300 million, it’s also a very random, rare event. It is far more rare, for instance, than dying from a fall off the bed or other furniture. So should we, for safety’s sake, all start sleeping on the floor?”*
Now, some may argue that there is still that tiny, random chance that our child could be snatched, and how could we ever live with ourselves* if something happened to our child? Well, my vote is we’re not living now. We’re keeping our kids cooped up indoors and then wondering why they’re fat and addicted to video games. We don’t let them get out and socialize, and we wonder why they’re incapable of handling situations on their own when the get older.
Secondly, and probably more importantly, the risk of your child getting killed in the car that you are driving is, like, a bazillion times greater than that of getting abducted and killed by a stranger. And yet… I strap mine into that hulking metal beast pretty much every day. And raise your hand if you’ve talked on your cell phone with your kids in the car. Your risk of getting your kids killed just shot up a few hundred percent.
So, my point? I strap my kids in the car. It would probably be very hard to live with myself if something happened to them while I was driving. But I continue to take the risk, because I can’t live my life in a bubble. And I do try to take measures to lessen the risk. I’ve got approved car seats, and I try to latch them securely. Similarly, when I let my four-year old ride her bike alone outside, I take the proper precautions to make sure she wears a helmet, knows the boundaries, has street sense, and yes, we’ve had the stranger-danger talk more than once.
And I do try to check on her every couple of minutes. But I’ll be honest… it’s less about me being worried about something happening to her, and more about me being worried about something happening to ME, if someone should turn me in for “endangering” my child. After all, we are encouraged to report each other if we even “suspect” abuse (audio case in point, below).
So, in protest of the ridiculous rules, regulations and laws that are beginning to clip my parental wings, I have joined the ranks of the self-proclaimed parents of “Free-Range Kids,” trying to do our part to raise our kids with a little more autonomy and independence, and hopefully, with the brains in their heads to back it up. We support walking (gasp!) to school (before you tell me how dangerous your neighborhood is, do you have the stats to back it up?), and letting your kids (when they’re ready) take public transportation alone. We support trick-or-treating because there has never been one documented case of someone being poisoned with Halloween candy. We support letting parents volunteer in schools without having to be put through painstakingly rigorous and expensive background checks. We support men, who are not all sex-offenders by nature. We support common sense replacing one-size-fits-all governing. And most of all, we support parents – and not lawmakers – determining when they’re children are ready for independence. Because, as Lenore says, “Children, like chickens, deserve a life outside the cage.”
*For more statistical references, try these links
Land of the free, home of the scared: An interview with Lenore Skenazy
Phony Numbers on Child Abduction
Today Show Revises Number of Missing Kids Downwards
Very articulate post and definitely an interesting topic that should spark quite a discussion!
That was very interesting! I was amazed that the stats are actually better today than they were before….but I still have issues with my kids playing outside unless I am watching them with my eagle eye. I am more worried about them crossing the street back and forth to their friend's house than getting kidnapped. And as far as having your kids walk behind you in Target? Seriously, someone approached you about that? That's nuts. It's more likely they'll catch a disease from holding onto the nasty shopping cart the whole time.
There's a book, Last Child in the Woods that talks about some of the same issues. Mainly how we're depriving our children of nature because people today are so fearful of what could happen. The author writes about the same stats too… it's very rare that a child is kidnapped, yet it's probably one of the biggest fears of parents. Very interesting post Karli
. I've felt the same way many times… strange since when Anna was a baby I was completely the neurotic parent who couldn't take my eyes off her for a second. I think as our children grow, our parenting styles grow with them. There's definately a balance between safety and common sense.
Amen sista! I don't know why people think they have the right to tell us how to parent our children. I blogged once about a guy who told me I should call super nanny because my then 3 year old was throwing a fit in the store. And Taylor once blogged about someone who razzed him about stealing back his stolen bike. Nobody understands YOUR situation like you do. And you have the right to parent your child however the heck you want.
I am mixed about this. I totally agree with many of your points and the idea in general. To the credit of some people who are waiting at cars to give lectures to mamas, they do have no idea the length of time that the kids have been left. As a mandated reporter, I feel very confused as what would constitute neglect….. as certainly your situations were not neglectful at all. I definitely am not a hovering mom compared to many of my friends, and I feel like I am good at letting them explore…… but like I said before, I am mixed on the being left in the car thing.
So… I guess I will sum up by saying….I think you are a great parent and would never doubt that, but a stranger who doesn't know your situation, capabilities, or motives may not. That is how I attempted to look at it in regards to the person who called the cops on me a few months back. All they heard was crying in our house and obviously everything was fine….. but they didn't know us and what kind of people we are…. but it was annoying still.
Oh, and I actually have "Last Child in the Woods" on hold at library, so I am excited to read that one!!
I agree with you on this! This is a big thing in Oregon. I have had SO many encounters with people feeling they are doing such a good duty "defending" my child from irresponsible me… I'm sure they walked away patting themselves on their back. When in reality, they just made a overwhelmed young mother more discouraged and paranoid, and proved themselves an insensitive, judgmental accuser!
Whatever happened to offering a helping hand vs. accusing of abuse. This NEVER happen when we lived in Utah. (Where most people actually UNDERSTAND raising children).
I had the same experience watching my kids from inside a building for like 2 minutes and when I came out – it was a man on the phone by my vehicle with the police. Then I had to talk to the police and give a report. They told me that it's not considered neglect unless you leave your kids longer than 20 minutes. Hmmm…. 2 minutes was close, I tell ya (in a locked car that I had in my view the whole time!)
I believe in Mother's intuition. I believe we have the ability to receive inspiration for our own children that SUPERSEDES what government, strangers, and by standers may think. And honestly, I believe there are too many Mother Hen's watching other peoples kids WITHOUT true insight, or compassion involved, but the anticipation of "catching" someone begin abused or neglected.
Yes, abuse really happens, and there are parents out there that are truly neglectful… but in the scare of trying to find the abusers, it's sad to see it become more like a witch hunt!
Of all the things I love about Oregon, this is probably one of the biggest things I will not miss when we do eventually move!!
I agree 100%. (I had to read your blog on this topic!!) I have always believed that our children need space to breathe and the freedom to make their own decisions in order to grow into successful, confident, intelligent adults.
Ryan always wants to return the cart now. (He's almost 6.) So we had the parking lot safety talk AGAIN and I usually put Elaina in her seat and then watch him as he dashes to put it away. I am no stranger to leaving them in the car ALONE (God forbid) for a few minutes if I can see them. It's so much easier than pulling both kids out of the car to run into the dry cleaner's to drop off a shirt. Seriously. I remember waiting, patiently, for my mom to run into various businesses for a few minutes also. We were fine. (I know DHS would probably disagree, though.)
Actually, there was one incident a few years ago that really freaked me out. And then I came to know how safe my community really can be. I was at Home Depot, strapping Ryan into his car seat…I think he was about 2. He took my keys, hit the lock button, and threw them over the seat. I shut the door without thinking…oops! At it was at least 90 degrees! With ALL the windows up. I stopped for a second, and then ran into the store to call 911 to see if Mike was anywhere close to let me get the kid out of the hot car. This was when he still was a sheriff's deputy, so he was in Bly. But I found out that the towing companies do it for free when there's a kid involved, and the guy was very nice and FAST. When I'd come out of the store there was an elderly couple talking to Ryan through the windows. They didn't talk down to me; they said they'd seen the whole thing and were just keeping him company. Most people are pretty understanding, I think. Did you ever find your purse? That would totally stink. We all make our mistakes….
Hey Karli,
Google BAM Radio and then click on Parent's channel. There is a debate about this very issue on the top of the page with Lenore Skenazy and another expert in the field. I don't have time to listen now, because I am off to work.. but I am excited to listen to it when I get home!!
Thanks for the comments guys! It's good to know I'm not alone or crazy!
Brandy – I would agree, that the risk of injury is serious. I won't let Nolan outside for a second because he has absolutely no street awareness. And if they had friends across the street, I would also be concerned about the crossing. That is a very real danger and concern. We, however, live on a busy enough street that Mylie knows how dangerous it is, and knows that her boundaries are simply our driveway and the sidewalk. I've watched her enough when she doesn't know I am to believe that she stays in those boundaries quite well. And, we don't have any little kids around to tempt her to cross.
Shannon – I will definitely check out that book! Thanks!
Kiersten – I remember that post. I almost cried for you. I totally felt your pain.
Kara – yes, that would be a difficult judgment call. I do think that Oregon law says that 20 minutes or over is endangerment. And I also agree that people are trying to be helpful when they're waiting by the car. When people have stopped at my house when Mylie's out riding her bike (to tell me that she's out there by herself) I politely thank them for watching out for her, and tell them that she's allowed to do it. I know they're trying to be helpful. However, I think it would do us all to reconsider our reactions to such parents… instead of simply saying "they arrest parents for that!" Or the people who called the cops on you could have come over to see if there was anything they could do to help. Oh, and I listened to the radio show – it's excellent!!
Margene – I've never lived outside Oregon with children (at least not since Mylie was 1). It would be interesting to see how it varies from state to state. However, I will say that there are some crazy crazy articles on Lenore's blog that come from ALL OVER the country. (and P.S. is your departure imminent? That would be a sad day!)
Bonnie – what a scary situation! I'm glad there were people there to help!! I do think it's all about training your kids, and giving them increasing responsibility in baby steps. For example, some kids would be ready to be home alone at 8. Others, probably not till closer to 18. That's why I think making laws about certain ages is a bad idea. It allows some parents to leave kids who aren't ready, and inhibits others.
My parents, who are both 80 now, told me a number of years back how sad it made them that they couldn't really stop and talk to little kids anymore without people thinking they were pervs or abductors. They didn't live by their grandkiddies at the time and so it was really fun for them to watch little kids and talk to them a bit. They had to quit doing it. Paul and I now have no kids at home and all of our grandkiddies live away from us.
We moved to the top of a mountain last year and have virtually no neighbors and certainly not a trick or treater within 5 miles. Last Halloween we found ourselves driving around the Pacific Terrace area to just look at the little kids trick or treating. We worried about being reported! For reals.
I think that this is in the same vein as being 'politically correct' all of the time. I am so tired of walking on eggshells (forgive the pun)
So free range it is -
We've had this conversation before. I agree. I know I'm more of a mother hen than you are but really as a mother of three young children I would appreciate it a whole lot more if someone would offer to help me rather than accuse me.
I'm terrified that the neighbors in our apartment complex are going to turn us into CPS when Madilyn throws a grand mall tantrum. And I'll admit I'm terrified to let her walk to the bus stop by herself because of the kilt man who lives two doors down.
I people need to offer to help before they judge or offer annoying advice.
I'm officially so glad I live in Utah….
Yeah, I'm sure this kind of thing must happen here too (people being overly critical of how parents raise their kids, cars, all of that), but it doesn't seem to happen nearly as much (probably because all the would be tattle-tale mommies are just as busy in a store somewhere with their kids in the car too).
I think we live in a much safer time. Heck, I remember riding with my parents in a car with my head hanging out the window…when I was 3! Car seats? What were those? We used to get stuck waiting in the car all the time while "mom went in to grab something"…but we weren't stupid, if it got hot in the car we'd open a window.
Gotta love today's world for raising kids. Makes me glad I'm in Utah. I sure as heck would hate raising kids in Oregon.
Two years in Oregon watching how stuff there was done was enough to cure me. I'll keep my Utah.
Awesome stuff! You crack me up with your pictures, too….