This year I got a new perspective.

This year my husband focused less on a gift and more on the giving. He planned ahead. And he put in a TON of effort. Not to do any big thing… but to do ALL the little things. He made breakfast, lunch, dinner AND dessert. And he did all the dishes. And he got the kids ready for bed. He spent darn nearly all day in the kitchen, and by the time it was over he was exhausted.

There is, of course, the side of me that was just excited about this so that he can see what it takes just to simply survive one day as me. Not that he’s ever judged me when the house isn’t clean when he comes home. No, far from it. But who doesn’t like it to have someone walk a mile in their shoes?

But mostly, this was one fantastic Mother’s Day because he devoted every ounce of his soul into serving me today. Not pampering… there were no peeling of grapes or fanning with palm leaves, and my feet are still badly in need of a pedicure. But genuinely lifting the load from my shoulders and doing too many little things to count. And it was nice.

The article I read said that one reason mothers don’t like Mother’s Day is because they hear all kinds of stories of wonderful mothers who did amazing things and never raised their voices and always baked fresh bread, and it makes the rest of us feel incompetent, and adds to our list of stuff we wish we could be better at. But then it went on to say that what motherhood is really about is all those little things. The feeding of three square meals a day (plus snacks), and providing a safe and loving home where the kids can spill paint and pee on the floor and go to bed on (almost) clean sheets knowing they’ll get to wake up and do it all over again and that their mom’s going to be there for them.

So, thank you honey, for showing me how important all those little things are. How nice it is to go about a day knowing it’s just going to be there. Maybe if that’s all I do for my kids in this lifetime, I’m most of the way there.

And I would be remiss if I didn’t give a big thank you to my mom. If there’s anyone who did (and continues to do) all those little things, it’s my mom. She did the big things too, but – as a single mom for much of my life – she managed to get dinner on the table almost every night. She kept us safe. She kept us warm. She kept us clothed, and bought us instruments and computers and got me through college. And we knew that no matter what, she would be there fighting for us till the end of time. And even today, I know that she’s got my back, whether I’m having my own babies, or navigating this tough sea of motherhood, she’s there supporting me, serving me and cheering me on. And though I always was grateful for it, I know now just what a big deal that really is. So, thanks mom.

This is the kind of Mother's Day bouquet I can get behind... one I don't have to water!!!

The Munchkins that make it all possible

Sometimes I have a hard time knowing what to say about Mylie. This little-getting-bigger-by-the-hour person can infuriate me more than just about anyone on the planet. She’s bossy, indignant, stubborn, whiny and not very introspective. She has horrible listening skills. But there are so many more things about her.

*She’s helpful. If I ask her to run upstairs and grab something for me, she will usually run up and do it immediately… even if I tell her she can wait until she’s done with what she is doing.

*She’s responsible. I can trust her to follow the rules, which let’s me feel good about letting her go ride her bike in the neighborhood or go get the mail for me and other big-girl chores.

*She’s real. She lives 100% on the outside. What you see is what you get. She holds nothing in. Nothing. Ever. Like, no internal monologue. Refreshingly, this means she doesn’t play moody mind games that girls like to play.

*She LOVES to write notes. Every member of our family receives on average about 4 cards, notes or journal pages a day addressed to us. They’re taped to the walls all over our house. They’re on every flat surface we own. And they mostly say the same things over and over with similar pictures. But they’re sweet.

*She is a fantastic dancer. What we love to watch even more than her routines from class are the routines that she makes up. She is constantly choreographing new stuff, and she is amazing at capturing the feeling of each song she chooses. The Tangled Album, Chronicles of Narnia and Pirates of the Caribbean are among her current favorites to choreograph.

*She’s an even better reader. The girl probably reads at a 4th grade level. Unfortunately, her reading far outpaces her vocabulary, so even though she can read most any word, she often doesn’t comprehend it’s meaning. I’m sure they’ll even out soon.

With all this good stuff, I feel bad that I often dwell on those negative things. I wonder why she’s always talking back, and why when I try to sit and have a conversation with her about her behavior she glazes over and immediately asks if she can have a snack or watch a movie.  I wonder why at the age of almost six she still fights me about using the bathroom, and occasionally has accidents from waiting too long even when I’ve tried to tell her I know she needs to go. And I wonder why she falls on the floor screaming like she’s dying for what seem to me to be tiny little grievances.

I need to remember, however, that I would feel awfully bad about myself if someone were dwelling on all my negative character traits instead of focusing on my positive ones. It’s so hard as a mom trying to maintain sanity, but I need to give her more” attagirls” and less “what were you thinkings?” And I need to remember that I’ve got a good twenty-four years on her and there’s a lot of learning she has left to do. Even though my Father in Heaven expects me to be perfect even as He is, He doesn’t dwell on it when I fall short. Luckily for me, He picks me gently up and tells me how precious I am. How much more, then, does this sweet, precious and so-grown-up little girl need that from me? Yep, I guess I have a lot of learning left to do too.

So, today, another incident happened. Something that started out simple and stupid, like asking to watch a TV Show before school. I told her she could, but then she pushed the envelope and asked for a movie instead. I told her she couldn’t because there wasn’t time before the bus came, and she tried to bargain, saying she’d only watch a little bit of the movie and turn it off when it was time to go. Having allowed this before, I knew it never ended pretty when I said it was time to turn it off, so I declined, telling her it was a TV Show or nothing. Being on a short fuse that she was, she exploded into a fit a whines and cries. So I turned the TV off. She turned it back on. I sent her to her room. She slammed the door. I showed her how unacceptable that was. She kicked the door. I told her if it happened again she would be grounded for a week. Eventually, she retreated from damaging property and just screamed five-year old obscenities at me from her room. I ignored.

The real kicker was when I proceeded to turn on the TV Show for Nolan and made her stay in her room the whole time. Yeah, that was truly vindictive and passive aggressive of me – I don’t deny it.

One of the other things we’ve noticed when trying to deal with this kind of behavior with this particular child is that once things are calmed down and we go to try to talk to her about it, she puts up kind of a wall. It’s not that she refuses to talk about it – it’s more that she’s incapable of the auditory processing it takes to listen to what we have to say and apply it to her behavior. Thus, lessons are not learned, and the behavior continues. So we’ve been slowly implementing a new tactic – note writing.

We’ve found that if we write our feelings down as well as the problems we see with her behavior, it has much more of an impact. We got this idea because she is CONSTANTLY writing notes to her friends and us. So, after she had been cooling off for about 30 minutes, I slipped a note under her door that told her how much I loved her and appreciated all the help she’s been giving me with her brothers, but that having tantrums when I tell her no is unacceptable.

A few minutes later when I called her down for lunch, she smiled sweetly when she handed me this:

Translation: Dear Mommy, I don't like you when you're mean. I still love you. Love, Mylie

The best part was, she was so very proud of herself. She asked if I liked it, and I told her I loved it. In kid speak, it said basically the same thing I had just written to her. And truly I was very proud of her for attempting to sound out all the words for herself. Normally, she gives up on words she doesn’t know and just uses the first letter of the word in it’s place. I think she got the message too, because at least three times today I saw instances where I expected a meltdown that didn’t happen.

I think the pen might turn out to be very mighty in our house, indeed.

(click on the picture for a larger version)

I'm sure it's your turn....

When she was born, she couldn’t quite get the thumb into her mouth successfully, so a pacifier sufficed for the short term. But she was merely weeks old when she was able to find the appropriate digit consistently, and after that the pacifiers were generally worthless.

I’ll be honest… we knew we were judged. Friends and family alike would make comments like, “Oh, I would never want my kid to suck her thumb. You can throw away a pacifier, but what do you do with a finger?” And we would merely look at them and smile sweetly. Because the truth is… as an itty bitty baby she was so cute sucking away on her little thumb. PLUS, we had a baby who knew how to self-soothe, and we never had to make midnight trips into the nursery to pop the paci back in. Nope, our kid slept 12 hours by 12 weeks and took two 2-hour naps a day, credited partially to the fact that if it fell out, she could stick it right back in without having to regain complete consciousness. It was lovely.

Really Truly - Thumb Sucking Babies Are Sweet

Buuutttt…. then she grew up. She turned two. Then three. Then four. The dentist started commenting about how we needed to get her to stop. Her teeth started to protrude out a bit. And we started itching for her to quit the habit. It just wasn’t that cute anymore, and it was border-lining on gross.

Thumbsucking at Two... kinda cute

Thumbsucking at Three... Not so cute anymore

For those of you who know us well, you’ll remember some of the difficulties we faced continue to face with potty training. Through all the suggestions we’ve been given and tactics we’ve tried, it continues to be a power struggle (though much better now than it used to be). So, as we’re just barely over that fight, I’ve been in no hurry to start a new one that I was sure would have similarly frustrating outcomes.

Luckily, even though we can’t remove or cut off her thumbs, I did believe I had a secret weapon up my sleeve. Her thumb sucking was almost completely tied to her blankies, and only happened when one was in hand. So over the course of the last couple years I’ve tried to discourage the blankies. First, they were no longer allowed in the car or out of the house. Then, we had her leave them in her bed except when watching movies or TV. I’ve been prepping her for the last couple years that at age 5, the blankies will be banished to bed only. She’s been prepared for that momentous day for quite some time.

To up the ante on quitting the thumb as well, I, being the stupid mother I am who never learns her lesson, decided I would throw a trip to Disneyland in the mix. I know, I know, I can hear the gasps now. But, since I wanted to take her to the Happiest Place on Earth about the time she was five, and because she had specifically said she wasn’t going to quit sucking her thumb until she was five, I figured the timing would work out swimmingly. Plus, after the potty training hell, I figured 5 would turn more into 6 or even later. I was sure I was safe.

Yes, famous last words. Turns out, the kid has more gumption than I knew. A few weeks ago, she was looking at her teeth next to Nolan’s in the mirror. She asked why hers had such a big gap and stuck out and why Nolan’s didn’t. While we’re not for making girls all self-conscious at an early age, Nick was honest with her. He told her it was because she sucked her thumb, and that if she continued to suck her thumb, it would get worse (okay, he was only partially honest… she would have a gap regardless… she and Nolan got COMPLETELY different sets of teeth out of the gene pool). So she, of course, said, “I’m not going to suck my thumb anymore.” And we smiled and nodded and then rolled our eyes at each other. I’m pretty sure, “Yeah right,” was what I muttered under my breath.

Um, yeah. Guess who hasn’t sucked her thumb since that very moment? That’s right, it’s been almost a month with no wet thumbs in sight. The girl up and quit cold turkey. We haven’t gone so far as to video tape her sleeping, and she did admit that one time she woke up in the middle of the night and found herself sucking, but stopped immediately. Still. Cold turkey? Really?

And now, of course, I’m the sucker who has to try to figure out a way to make good on the Disney promise before she starts calling me a liar. But really, couldn’t she have decided to do this a little before we booked the vacation to EUROPE?! How are we supposed to budget in Disneyland for a four year old who all the sudden decided she wanted to grow up, and with straight teeth to boot? Ah well, I guess what we fork over for Disneyland will just come out of the pot we were saving up for braces for her, right? Right.

Move Over Mickey, cuz here comes Mylie!

I’ve espoused the wonders of “Google Reader” on here before. Google Reader, or any other “feed reader” allows you to “subscribe” to your favorite blogs, being notified instantly of any new postings. And as soon as I caught the fire of a feed reader, I ran with it. One blog that I follow will link to a new blog that they like, and so I discover hundreds of new blogs. I am also able to cyber-stalk friends and past acquaintances by finding links to their blogs on my other friend’s blogs. It’s a wonderful system.

But here’s the rub. I am currently subscribed to 132 blogs. Yes, that’s right. 132. No wait, I just added another. Now it’s 133. And I’ve got them all sorted out in folders for different categories. I’ve got blogs on Digital Scrapbooking, Emergency Preparedness, Home Improvement, Education, Crafts, Penny Pinching, Family, Friends, Fun, Recipes, Religion, Politics, and blogs to tell me about when Google updates it’s feed reader. Seriously, it’s an addiction.

Now, of course, some bloggers are like me… their activity ebbs and flows, sometimes going dead for months. But, others make their living blogging, and so they post upwards of…well…let’s just say the number is infinite.

At first, I was really excited about all the cool information I was collecting. I got great deals, I got great craft ideas, found awesome recipes, and kept track of my family and friends. But as time went on, what I really started focusing on was how much I’m NOT doing. I’m not spouting crafts out my ears, like my friend Summer. I’m not an ace of cakes like Nick’s cousin. I don’t do educational activities each day like the chick on Chasing Cheerios. I try using coupons and save our family a little money each week, but it’s chump change compared to what the women on Frugal Living Online and Super Coupon Girl save. Occasionally I find the time to make my family a nice, well-rounded meal, but Annie at Annie’s Eats works full time as a Resident Medical Student, has a toddler, and still manages to create gourmet dishes from scratch AND blog about them – usually daily. I think I feed the kids fairly healthy food, but when I read the blogs at Super Healthy Kids it makes me feel like I’m practically poisoning them with garbage.

And then there’s the parenting skills. I’ve got a couple good blogs that post GREAT articles on parenting techniques. My favorite, Half-Full Blogversations, espouses such gems as “Emotion Coaching” and “Positive Parenting” and “Teaching Emotional Literacy.” They teach you how to stay calm when you’re angry and believe that rewards are bad for raising healthy adults. Sounds pie in the sky great, but when I try it out on my own kids – well, let’s just say the conversation doesn’t go quite the way they describe it. And when my kid gets more worked up the calmer I stay, I have to wonder what I’m doing wrong?

Growing up, I always pictured myself as becoming the kind of mom that did cool projects, that always had a stash of things to pull out of her hat to do. I pictured myself loving to spend time in the kitchen cooking with my kids. I pictured educational adventures abounding, and my children gathered at my knee singing in 4 part harmony. I thought I would be the quintessential Maria Von Trapp mixed with Martha Stewart with a little bit of Marie Curie thrown in. And that’s just what I see when I look at all these blogs. The culmination of everything I ever wanted to be… and I continue to fall short.

But wait… there’s still the life lesson. This Christmas, my wonderful and adoring husband gave me the best Christmas present ever… he published my blog into a book. It was something I have wanted to do for awhile, but… again… couldn’t find the time to fit it in. So, I got a little time to spend perusing the last two years of my life. And a light started to come on…

Then, as we’ve thought about our goals for this wondrously hope-filled new year, we’ve started to list our priorities. What is it that we want to make sure we fit in to each day? Turns out… all those things I thought I wanted to do are not even listed on my priorities list. Sure, I’d still like to get there some day. But what most of those people do… well, they specialize. They’re like a gourmet restaurant that knows what they do well, and they serve that up perfectly every night. They’ve got talent and they capitalize on it. Of course, I’m not saying these people can’t do anything else besides what they blog about. It’s just, that’s the only thing we get to see about their lives.

My talent? Well, from the day I was born my talent has been a desire to do EVERYTHING. And some of the time, I can make it happen. But as I grow older, I’m learning that “Jack of All Trades, Master of None,” is not just some meaningless adage. My list of things I want to do keeps growing bigger and bigger, and my time availability keeps growing smaller and smaller.

So, my goal for this year? I’m going to stop comparing myself to the blogosphere. I’m going to remember that what people publish is just a little tiny capsule of their lives… one that they choose to let you see. I’m going to remember that I’m just one person, and couldn’t possibly do the work of 133. I’m going to focus on my priorities, and realize that even if I yell at my kids, or never make a paper mache’ volcano with them, or let them watch TV for an hour every day while I sit at my computer, I can still keep my priorities in order. I can and will do the important things… I will read to them, I will spend a little more time with them. I will teach them the things that I AM good at, and I will give them the space to determine what they’re good at. I will pray with them, and read the scriptures with them. And, hopefully, I will teach them how to love, be loved, and how to love themselves. And maybe one day I’ll figure out how to do it all, and I’ll be that gourmet meal of a mom. Until then, I’m going to be satisfied with this delicious buffet line I get to dabble in and sample from.